The Storms Of Doubt
There is a window in your heart in which you see God through. There was a time that the window was clean and crystal clear. Your image of God was crisp. You could see God vividly and with clarity. The window pane was clean, clear, and unbroken.
You knew God. You knew how he worked in your life and exactly what he has called you to do. There were a few surprises knocking at your door but overall you knew God’s will for your life and continued to walk in it.
Suddenly your window cracked. Out of nowhere a stone has been thrown against your window and it is now broken. Perhaps it was a childhood pain that has now reserviced that you never dealt with properly. Maybe it was a bad decision on your part as an adult that has now come back to haunt you. Was it a diagnosis from a doctor bringing bad news? Was it the unexpected loss of a child or a family member? Could it be a memory or memories of the deep offenses that were brought upon you by those you so deeply cared about and tried to love. Was it that phone call from a church member stating they were now looking to attend another church. Perhaps it was that friend that you poured your life into to only have them turn against you and assault your integrity and character. It could have been that meeting where your board of leaders informed you that your services were no longer needed as their pastor and leader.
Regardless of where it came from, the result was the same. The sudden impact to the window of your heart created a fragmented piece of glass that was now no longer clean and clear. Suddenly God was no longer easy to see or understand. The once clear image of God is now distorted through the fragments of your hurt and your pain.
You once stood firm but now you sit puzzled. Now things seem different. Would the God you have served faithfully for years really allow something like this to happen to you? Such pain and heartbreak were not on your agenda or expectation list. Is this real? Had you been blind or a fool all these years preaching about a loving and caring God who now suddenly seems to have abandoned you, the pastor. The one who said yes to his call.
Once the stone struck your image and perception of God was immediately challenged. There was life before your pain and now life after the pain. Before your pain your image of God was clear as he seemed so very near. After your pain God is suddenly much harder to see and to especially to perceive and understand.
Your pain has now distorted your view of God. The fragmented window of your heart now hinders the clarity of your vision. He is enlarged in one piece of glass and reduced in another. Lines jigsaw across his face causing questions and confusion.
It is here that you face your doubt storm of life. If God is so good, why do I feel so bad? If his message is so clear, why do I feel so confused? If he genuinely cares about me, then why do I feel so all alone? Do I throw in the towel like many others or do I stand and weather the storm. Tough questions that during our time of pain seem to come with little or no answers.
You know that Jesus knows what you are going through. You know that he is well aware of your grief and pain. You know he is aware of your circumstances and the reality of your storm. Yet, as hard as you look for him, you can’t find him.
On January 24, 2013 I received one of my greatest gifts ever, my only grandson Jabyn. When he was born I already had a four wheeler, hunting rifle, and camo waiting for him. For 18 months he was a normal little guy reaching all his milestones perfectly. He was Papa’s buddy for sure. We then began to notice things that did not seem right. We were sent from one specialist to another as he lost his eyesight and then ability to stand or walk. Eventually he was diagnosed with a terminal illness called “Batten” disease. Our world was shaken to the core. His last eighteen months were spent at home under home hospice care on 24 hour life support machines. I sat with and held my grandson 5-6 days a week as he became my world. I cried, I prayed, I fasted, I did everything the scriptures told me to do. God wouldn’t take him from me would he? After giving 38 years of my life to full time ministry would he do such a thing? He did. On May 18, 2018 I had to watch my only grandson take his last breath. Anger, disappointment, confusion, and a ton of unanswered questions overcame me. My theology was greatly challenged. Did I preach a lie for 38 years? How could God do this? How could he allow this? For almost a year prayer and reading the bible did not exist in my life. Why bother? It didn’t seem to work in my world. Everything I had believed in concerning God was now under attack by a “doubtstorm.” My window had been cracked. My view of God was now fragmented. Nothing was clear anymore.
This storm took place right at the time we were transitioning my son Brad (Jabyn’s father) into the position of Lead Pastor at Transformation Church, Pensacola. As painful as the journey was for my son, God gave him a revelation concerning Jabyn’s death that I did not receive. My son who I pastored all of his life now became my pastor and walked me through the most difficult storm of my life. Some of the unanswered questions remain but in the midst of my darkness Jesus came. He understood my anger, disappointment and hurt. He did not come to rebuke my lack of faith, he came to restore it. Today we just celebrated five years with my son Brad and his wife Ashley as our Lead Pastors. The church has moved from a theater with 150 people to a massive facility sitting on over 19 acres of prime land with over 900 people calling it home. God is a master at taking our most painful moments and turning them into our most powerful testimonies.
Remember Peter and the disciples? In the midst of their storm. After fighting the winds and waves all night in the darkness. After crying out for help with no response. Weary and worn from both physical and emotional exhaustion they suddenly see an image nearby as the lightning lights up the sky. A figure began to walk toward them. This wasn’t what they had expected. “It’s a ghost” they screamed in fear. It was then that Jesus spoke and identified himself. Just hours earlier they would have immediately recognized Jesus when he appeared. Now due to exhaustion, anxiety, fear, and their distorted view of God they did not recognize him when he came.
Once The disciples recognized that it was Jesus, Peter was invited to walk on the water with him. Peter exited his boat and then walked on the very storm that just moments earlier seemed to be his ultimate destruction and death.
Ministry has a way of taking us through these dark storms in life. Storms of questions, confusion, disappointment, hurt, rejection, and pain. Long nights of isolation and loneliness. Our image of God is suddenly challenged and the validity of his love for us is now in question. It is here that a choice is to be made. Do I trust him? Will I trust him? The fact is this…..the voice you hear in the middle of your storm is not the wind of the storm, it’s the breath of the Holy Spirit. Jesus has not abandoned you, he is much closer than you ever dreamed.
