The Guilt Of Rest Pt. 2 - Be Careful What You Listen To.

“You're never as good as everyone tells you when you win, and you're never as bad as they say when you lose.”

― Lou Holtz

I remember sitting in the office with my lead team of pastors talking through a situation that had arisen in our church. An accusation was made toward a member, an investigation was completed, and the accusation was unfounded and illegitimate. What made this particular situation even more difficult was that it included a leader who had been with me for some time and a young woman who had been with me since she was in my youth group when I was a youth pastor. There wasn’t a simple way of handling this because I loved each person so much and they both had been part of my life for so long. After an extensive process with overseers and more, it was determined that the accusation wasn’t based on facts, but on feelings. But, as many of you have experienced, by the time it was over the accuser had sucked many people into the whirlwind of emotional accusations. I don’t leverage the spirit of Jezebel often (and it’s a bit poorly timed with it being shouted on social media right now), but I was watching that spirit run in our church through this situation. The spiritual battle was poking at the vulnerable parts of different people’s hearts to convince them to join their cause and before I knew it I had become the villain. This triggered a 20-year-old wound in my heart and I snapped. For the first time in nearly 15 years, my anger issue that God had healed me from surfaced and I “saw red”, meaning I lost control for a moment putting a hole in the wall and walking out of the church before realizing what had happened. I called my counselor immediately and walked through all of it to ensure I dealt with it properly and that I knew how to process this. The reality was, that all the lies that were proven to be false about the accused caused the accuser to rally their supporters and focus the energy of new lies and discord on me being a terrible pastor, terrible leader, and untrustworthy. I had spent over a decade with some of these leaders. I had spent three hours a week with them developing their theology, investing in their leadership, and leading them to know God in ways they didn’t know they could. I walked one of them through demonic oppression and deliverance and stood with them for the salvation of their spouse for years, and we saw it come to pass. Then, in one fail swoop, they were gone. To them, I was a terrible leader, a narcissist, etc.  

Imposter Syndrome

It would seem there is a constant tug of war in every pastor between believing their own hype and believing their own critics. There is a consistent thought pattern that tells us we’re amazing and we’re incredible and we’re original, and we’re unique, and we’re bulletproof, and we’re going to do things nobody else has done because we’re that amazing. Meanwhile, somehow we also believe the lies that say we’re never going to be good enough, we can never do enough, we’re fake, we’re a phony, we’re a fraud. I’m not sure there is another profession in the world that has to dance the line between these two realities quite like pastoring. 

Add to that the ability for every person to have a social media platform to celebrate you in a way that gives you glimmers of joy and exuberance, only to be met with other people as they air their grievances, discuss their frustrations with others about you, or your church, slander you after all you did for them, and so much more. We smile as people post our sermon clips, and watch that joy fade away as someone in our church posts a picture on their Instagram as they try out a new church and post something like, “Finally found a GOOD church”. The doubt, hurt, frustration, and more sneak in and take a foothold in our spirits. Moreover, the smile turns into sorrow. Here’s the reason we hurt so bad when people speak about us or our church so harshly because there is part of us that agrees with what they’re saying.

When they call you fake, a fraud, a terrible pastor, a horrible leader, and other things we won’t even mention here, it hurts because those are the things we often believe about ourselves. When they say those things about us it triggers the self-doubt and lies we already believe about ourselves. We already believe we’re not cut out for this. We already believe God called the wrong person to do this. We already believe we’re a terrible pastor, horrible leader, a fraud, a fake, and a phony. 

You Can’t Outwork The Lie

Sometimes our lies lead us to believe that we can “outwork the lie” in our lives. Let’s look at a few other lies we often believe about ourselves as pastors: 

“You’re only as valuable as your current contribution” 

“You don’t deserve to take a break”

“You don’t work hard enough”

“The harder you work the better your church will be”

“The bigger your church, the more valuable you are”

The temptation here is to work harder, grind longer hours, and build the impossible, as we climb the mountain of success and ministry. The problem is that we can’t climb high enough to outclimb the lies. We can’t run fast enough to outrun the lies. We can’t build something big enough to be bigger than the lies. No matter how far, how fast, how big you are… the lies are still there. They’re still there because they’re not outside of you where you can defeat them, they’re inside of you. So the faster you run, there they are. The higher you climb, there they are.  

We Need Clarity

Since you can’t outwork the lie, what do we do? We go to the truth-teller. I have found in my personal life and through the situation I mentioned at the beginning that I had become the villain in a situation where I was so frustrated that I lost clarity of God’s voice. The “noise” of lies had become so loud that I couldn’t hear the voice of God. If I’m being honest, I hadn’t even tried to listen for Him either. I zoned in on “showing them”, that I stopped “listening to Him”. I needed the voice of my father. I needed the voice of peace. 

I sat and watched the Jesus Revolution movie and there was a scene where the Pastor is talking to his wife in a place of confusion and frustration and said something along the lines of, “I don’t know what to do, there’s so much noise”... The wife's response was, “The lies are loud, the truth is quiet”. It shook me to my core. I had let the lies become so loud about the situation, about me as a leader, and about the church. I made it a point to silence the noise. I went home and logged off social media for three days. I canceled all my meetings for three days. I got rid of anything that required my attention and created extra noise to make things as quiet as I could for three days. I sat with the Lord, and I heard him.  

I realized three things that helped me see clearly that I want to give to you. First, you need to limit your exposure to the bad, and the good. Social media can make us feel good, but even the good is still noisy. Come back away from the accolades, likes, follows, shares, and posts, and settle back in on being a good and faithful servant. More importantly on being a good son of the father. Spend time hearing from Him that he is proud of you. Secondly, celebrate what God is doing. In those moments I get tunnel vision on the “wrong and bad” and I forget that marriages are being restored, lost are being saved, and people who are far from God are coming to God. Focus on that to help realign all the good things happening in your church. Lastly, rest, refuel, and reconnect. I immediately went to a group text with some pastor friends and set up an overnight golfing trip with a few of them at a place an hour up the road. We stayed at an Airbnb, we laughed, we ate, we told ministry stories, we prayed, and I found true healing in that place. I needed the voice of my father and the fellowship of my brothers. I remember the verse that says…

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Proverbs 17:22

Clarity silences the lies and increases the sound of truth. Clarity changes our perception of our circumstances. Clarity reminds us of who we are rather than what we’re not. I want to encourage you to get clarity. Get some time with the Lord to hear his voice when the lies become too loud. I want to invite you to connect with us if you need help silencing those lies. At Pastor to Pastor, we can help in one one-on-one conversation, but we also can connect you to retreats and a community of pastors that you can laugh with and get good medicine. If we can help you, please let us know!