The Pastor’s Wife…But Who Cares?
In January, I dropped off my wife of 44 years at the Retreat at Church Creek for a “Wise Women’s Retreat”. Before she exited the car, I held her hand and told her that when I picked her up three days later that I would never ask her what was discussed at the retreat. I wanted her to have the freedom to be as open and honest as she needed or wanted to be. When it was time to pick her up, she entered the car and she was somewhat solemn. I asked if she was ok. Her response was that she had just spent three days with some of the most amazing women in the world, but yet women who had held in years of deep hurt, wounds, and betrayal, due to having no safe place to share their true feelings. To be honest, it made me sit back and ask the question of what I have provided for my own wife in this area. What outlets of safety and security have I made available for her. Where does she go when she’s feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or feeling alone?
It is without a doubt that the pastor's wife is the most overlooked and often discarded person in the church. So much is expected of the pastor’s wife. From supporting her husband, co-leading the church, managing her home, raising her children, being the example of a model Christian woman, serving the church in multiple capacities, most often for free. She is most always being critiqued and talked about in both positive and negative ways.
When opposition and criticism of her husband takes place, she is the one who takes it the hardest. Her children are expected to live up to a standard other children in the church are not required to. She is most often expected to serve in ways she doesn’t have the time, desire, or gifting to serve adequately in. She carries the weight of her husband, the business of her children, the needs of her home and family, while operating under an unrealistic expectation of serving in multiple areas of the church.
Her husband is oftentimes connected to other pastors and ministers, both inside and outside their city. Be it phone calls, zoom calls, or in person, there is the opportunity for her husband to establish accountability partners that he can go to at any moment for help and support.
The big question is, who is caring for the pastor’s wife? Where and to whom can she go to for encouragement, council or advice? Most often the answer is, no one.
42% of pastors stated that they would leave the ministry today if they could financially survive in another job or occupation. The top reasons given were first, anxiety, and second, isolation. If this is the case for the pastor, it is then a magnified issue for the pastor's wife.
Let’s take a moment to look at several areas involved in the life of a pastor's wife.
Friendships
80% feel completely left out and unappreciated by the members of the church.
56% state that they have no close friends in the church.
A majority of pastors' wives state that they have been betrayed and their trust violated by women in the church that they have shared their trust with.
Ministry
Pastor’s wives are often made to feel like unqualified assistants deserving no pay or
recognition. In reality, most, if not all pastor’s wives, have tremendous gifts and talents to
enhance the ministry, but are discouraged in doing so under the disguise of simply being
“The wife” of the pastor.
84% feel unqualified and discouraged in their roles.
80% feel pressured to serve in ways that do not fit into their gifts or passions
60% expressed the need to further their training so they could serve better.
Marriage
Being married to a pastor is by far one of the most difficult, sacrificial, and challenging roles out there today.
80% believe their spouse is overworked.
80% wish their spouse would choose another profession.
40% of their husbands have had an extramarital affair while serving as a pastor.
50% of their marriages will end in divorce.
Family
The pastor's wife and children live in a glass house. Everything they do is seen under a magnifying glass. Their plans, vacations, meals, and time alone, are often changed without notice due to the responsibility and unrealistic demands placed upon them.
94% of clergy families feel an overwhelming pressure of pastoral ministry.
The majority of pastors' wives state that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered into the ministry.
These are far more than just statistics, these are the voices of pastor’s wives screaming loud for help, yet no one is listening. At this very moment, I am working with two pastors whose wives just met with them to inform them that they and the children are leaving the marriage and the ministry. Both have repeatedly spoken words, shared hints, and given signs to their husband for years concerning their hurt, disappointment, wounds, and feeling of abandonment and betrayal, yet either the pastor/husband ignored them or was so overwhelmed himself that he did not hear or see them. Either way, the results are the same. In both cases before me now, the wife is done. She feels she has been ignored and misused for so long that she does not desire counseling or try to seek help for a healthy resolve. She just wants out.
At Pastor to Pastor we understand and see the need for help and resources for pastors' wives. One of the ways we help is by providing three night retreats. A time for rest, relaxation, fun and activities, great food, and healthy dialog around the table with other amazing pastor’s wives from across the county. It is a very safe place to be transparent and real. A time to meet and develop lifetime friendships that will end the issue of isolation and help lift the weight of anxiety.
To all the pastor’s wives, we here at Pastor to Pastor want you to know you are very special. You are extremely unique, amazingly gifted, beyond strong, and divinely selected and chosen by God to fulfill a calling that only a small number of women are capable of fulfilling. We honor you highly.
If you are a pastor's wife and have no place to turn or need a safe place to talk, feel free to contact Pastor to Pastor. We have pastor’s wives that are ready and more than willing to give an ear, open heart, and a helpful hand to you.
